The ups and downs of navigating college with vision loss and OCD
Chasing our dreams isn't always easy, but there's pride in trying
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Attending Oklahoma State University (OSU) had been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember. I didn’t want to go anywhere else. So when I finally moved into the dorms at Stillwater in August 2013, it was a dream come true.
I was on my own for the first time in my life. I had to get myself up and ready to go in the mornings, go to class, navigate the campus, and figure things out. My first day was a whirlwind, with four classes (and a change in one of them) and broken elevators.
At the time, I was dealing with progressive vision loss from Bardet-Biedl syndrome. I had no peripheral or night vision and only limited central vision, which was continuing to worsen. I hadn’t yet reached a place of acceptance with my blindness, so I was still trying to navigate life as if I were able to see more than I actually could.
Before college, I’d learned important landmarks and practiced the routes between my dorm and the classrooms. I knew enough landmarks to have an idea of where I was, but I still got lost a lot. I’d sometimes arrive late to class because I couldn’t find the classroom.
Yet instead of asking for help, I’d keep going until I figured out where I was. I was embarrassed about my vision loss and afraid of being judged like I was in high school. I wanted people to see me as a typical college student, so most days I was simply faking it until I made it.
Brave enough to try
One of the most memorable examples happened during the first week of class, when I walked through freshly poured cement because I couldn’t see where I was going. I was embarrassed and upset, which pretty much sums up how I was navigating the campus at the time.
Getting to class was only part of the challenge. College accommodations were a far cry from what I’d experienced in high school. In college, I found that the level of support depended on the individual professor, which was a major adjustment for me.
During my second semester, I dropped college algebra. I had to use a graphing calculator, but I couldn’t see it. In high school, I learned to do math by hand, so I knew how to do the work. I just needed an accessible way to complete it. But no one was willing to work with me on a solution, so I grew frustrated and dropped the class.
My vision and the lack of accommodations weren’t my only challenges. My obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) was already bad when I started college, and it just got worse after that. Some days, I’d be stuck in my dorm room repeatedly showering and compulsively washing my hands and wiping down door handles. I’d spray my clothes with Febreze and Lysol the room. Sometimes I got stuck in an OCD loop and couldn’t make it to class.
I was also dealing with a sleep disorder that made waking up extremely hard. There were times when I literally slept through class, and professors weren’t always understanding about what I was dealing with.
The funny thing is, despite everything I was struggling with, I still loved college. And I absolutely loved game day.
There was nothing like the energy of an OSU football game. I loved the traditions, particularly being in the student section as part of Paddle People, a group of students known for their loud, rhythmic paddles.
I still remember standing in that section and singing the alma mater for the first time. I think I cried. I had dreamed about being an OSU student for so long, and suddenly it wasn’t a dream anymore.
Looking back, college was hard, but it was still fun. I got to be on my own and experience adulting, even if I fell flat on my face sometimes. I completed three semesters at OSU but didn’t earn a degree, as I had to eventually leave because of my health situation. Still, I’m proud of that younger version of myself for being brave enough to try.
My time at OSU was short, but the memories will stay with me forever. I’ll always be a Cowboy, loyal and true.
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